The players
I'm working on this long project (long story and long fabric).
I grew up in the 50s and 60s. I had a horrible childhood with
many things torturing all of my family members. I mean, it was almost comic.
I don't want to tell the story literally because who the heck wants
to hear. I survived and am here to tell the story. Lately I want to put
it all behind me and forgive. Sewing on this I'm feeling my heart open
and anger softening a little. They've all died now so I need to get this done.
The tentative title is Player Piano. Each week new notches were punched
in our lives. This turned into a ribbon of habit that played itself without me
doing a thing- just providing the forward motion.
At the end I'll see what's left. Maybe the grace of forgiving.
There's so much more to do on this.
this will probably be good to get through....
ReplyDeleteI agree, folks say "forgive, forgive", but it's a slog. Not easy
ReplyDeletebut needed. Thanks, Jude.
put it in perspective, that's my motto.
ReplyDeleteOr put it away.
ReplyDeletesometimes it's the same thing
Deletemy Aunt Libby and Uncle Herb had a player piano ... the grownups always tried to talk us out of playing it, likely because the piano wasn't in tune ... but we so loved it and sometimes they would relent ... I remember sitting in a blue upholstered high back chair, hanging on to the front rail of the piano for leverage, pumping away on the foot pedals ... then rewinding the roll, which went ever so much faster ... I can still hear the flap-flap-flap of it ... good memories, for sure
ReplyDeletebut oh, the rest of it ... your analogy is so very apt, the holes punched, the endless repetitions of dysfunction ... I wish I could purge that part of my mind, forget it all and I wonder ... would writing it all down get it out of my head or forever solidify my memory of it?
Liz, thank you. I'm thinking the same thing. Closing that history with loving kindness. Maybe I'll bury the cloth.
Deleteplayer piano....this is Brilliant. i am really
ReplyDeletethinking about all you say here this morning...hours
so far
watching my response to it and the comments change.
it's always said that the act of forgiving is not for
the forgiven, but to free the Forgiver? ?????
but...how it's sitting at this moment is to let
it Make ITs Self as much as possible....to Stream of
Consciousness as much as possible...putting images
more that thoughts...remembrances are kind of in image
form? so..i guess it's looking to me in this moment like
a long Question...
i think it's very much worth doing and respect you so
for taking it on. Even if you bury it. Even then.
I hope you will want to continue narrating the
process as you go
Love
What's kept me from going on from here is not wanting to
Deletefeel sorry because all that's been in my life is what's made me who I am. Also it's so odd how it's falling in
place and making sense to me. I never had children so have broken the chain (I hope). I will put here what I
do to it and will bury it at the end. Thank you, dear Grace, for your insights and kind words.